Depression: This Too Shall Pass

No matter how badly I feel right now, I know this will pass. The thought process in my head, the one that tells me that no matter how hard I try, I will never get ahead, is purely a result of biology. 

I'm no scientist. I am not a doctor or a psychotherapist. I did not even take a psych class in college. But I remain convinced after years of working with therapists, 12 step programs, yogis, shamans, voodoo priestesses ( ok I'm kidding about the last two.) but seriously, I know that my depression is a result of conditioning (however unintentional on my parents part) that I was somehow lacking, fear, a genetic predisposition towards depression and therefore a predilection toward self medicating, that my thoughts are a result of trained synapses and messed up brain chemicals .

And even though I take my medication regularly and abstain from mood altering substances, I still have episodes of depression. Potentially dangerous episodes.

A Depressing Proposition

I have been suffering from depression for my entire life, (48.7 years) or at least since I was about 4. I think that's when I had my first thoughts about doubting my own sanity.

I have tried many different approaches to elevating my mood, many if not all of which are commonly practiced by average people today. At least that's what I think. Although lately I have come to believe that I can't trust what I think anymore.  Even that which I see and hear through my own senses is suspect to me now.

Here are some of the things I have tried over the years, knowingly or unknowingly: smoking pot and binge drinking, acting out sexually,  emotional eating, sleeping, isolating, (ironically these activities are not only attempts to manage my moods but symptoms of my illness as well.) Somewhat healthier seeming activities I have tried like exercise and meditation work beautifully but are not truly sustainable as my disease overcomes these treatments usually when some difficulty or challenge  arises in my life, and such is the nature of life, right?

So in recent years (about 20 of them I think) I have come to accept two things, 1. that I can no longer use substances or self destructive behaviors to manage my moods as practical evidence shows that while I may experience temporary relief, eventually I succumb to depressive thoughts and behaviors. And 2. I require medication to support and help sustain any cognitive or behavior techniques I use to alleviate my mental illness.

I'm not saying that other people can or cannot achieve positive results using the methods that have either failed or are unsustainable without the use of antidepressants. I am stating that in my experience for me, I need pharmaceutical assistance. At least right now.

I have a fervent hope that one day I will magically become my own health guru, where through my own practice and dedication I eat the perfect diet in which no other living beings are harmed or exploited, practice  yoga and some fabulous outdoor exercise like mountain climbing or competition weight lifting. In this fantasy world I also live in a tropical climate in a cozy little cottage with my partner and a dog and a cat (maybe more cats) and I recycle everything and have absolutely zero impact on the environment all while making a comfortable living somehow (magic I guess.)

So we know, intrinsically that the above is a FANTASY, right?

to be continued...

I'm feeling raw today. My last drink was four days ago.  I'm not experiencing any physical symptoms. And I stopped smoking marijuana two weeks ago.  I'm not devastated. I am angry and disappointed that  I can't get  quick relief from my depression symptoms.  I know that drinking alcohol is not a logical approach to lifting my spirits. I don't know. They prescribe Ritalin for hyper activity you know?
I've got to bear in mind that the relief I get from a drink is not long lived and there's always a price.
I'm struggling with alcoholism much more today than I did 22 years ago when I stopped drinking for the first time.

So some background information. In 1993, I was an undiagnosed  depressive.  Frustrated with my life and feeling like I was living a life "I hadn't signed up for," I was witnessing friends who had made the decision to not drink. Comparing, as they say, my insides to their outsides, I was looking for a cover all solution. Convinced that of myself I was a fuck up with no prospects and that I would never be able to live the life I had imagined for myself, I turned to sobriety and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous to "fix" me.

The life I was living was typical of someone who had recently graduated from college in a post Reagan economy. I had a generalist education in a market that only wanted specialists.  I had a lover who was devoted to me but wouldn't have sex with me, so not really a lover. I had tried unsuccessfully to break up with her. She was the one person in my life who time and time again would take me in, make me laugh, appreciate me and see in me the things I could not and so desperately wanted to  be.  But the passion had left our relationship. We had the dreaded "lesbian bed death" aka "lbd."

Years later my old lover having done, what I can only imagine is a lot of work, transitioned to male and I am hoping he is finally comfortable in his own skin.  One of my deepest regrets is that I was not a person with whom he could feel comfortable enough to confide in. I owed him at least that much for every thing, every word and most of all every touch he so willingly gave me. My penance for this shortcoming is that I am now excluded from his life. No amount of  letters, emails and friend requests will reinstate my connection with this person who has and will always be some one I love.

I mention touch because, for me at least, this is where the message of love and support can really be received.

Touch is a sensitive topic. Many people can not stand to be touched, still others like myself, crave it. Kind words are nice, a smile better still. But for me to feel ok. I need to feel skin on skin. I'm not talking about sex here.

The ultimate way to include someone in your tribe, clan, family, society is to share intimacy. Touch. Your open palm on my shoulder, touching your fingers on my arm says to me, "I claim you, you are my pack." Maybe I'm more animal than human. As I'm writing this it occurs to me that cats mark things and people (not only with urine) but by rubbing their face or chin on the item or person.  So get a cat right? Cat's make my eyes blow up like balloons despite the fact that I love them. Fuck it, I'll just take benadryl right? Wouldn't it be awesome if the answer to my "problems" would be to just get a cat and take antihistamines?

So I've touched on a lot of topics here and if you'd like to comment please do. These words are largely unedited and are really just my thoughts out loud. What I thought I was writing about is not what ended up on this post. I have been told that more will be revealed so I'll stayed tuned. I invite you tune in with me. Who knows what will come of it? Certainly I will learn something, even it's just that every one feels like this or no one does and I am in fact as alone as I feel right now. (Feelings aren't facts - I know.)

Defects of Character

I know what I have to do.  The next right right thing obviously. Whether it's laundry, making breakfast, or paying bills; I just don't want to do it.

I'm really good with the planning and scheduling parts of what I gotta do.  But when the zero hour arrives, suddenly the next right thing is not so important or it can wait.  Pro-cra-stin-a-tion is a five syllable word for sloth.  It is a defect of character that continues to plague me.

Welcome to my Dis- Ease

My name is.  Ha, ha. My name is....um ya got me. Here's where I have to make a decision, the first of many I presume. Do I use my actual name? My nickname? A pseudonym perhaps.  In my process I imagine that I am a good writer, talented even. I would like to receive accolades (yeah sure) feed back (of course) criticism (uh...not so much).

Anonymity is a tradition of the twelve step fellowship which really does shape my journey. the 12 steps is path to life as is often said and they, the 12 steps, serve as a structure for me. That is when I finally accept that once again, I have had enough. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I surrender and sometimes, I take action.

So my name is; mine; your name; your friend's name maybe your brother or your mother's name. My name is human, sentient, divine. I am a spiritual being having a human experience and I find myself powerless. I find myself powerless over things I consume and the things that consume me.

On right action

Good habits are interrupted when I allow others to disrespect my boundaries or when I disrespect my own boundaries out of willful desire and imagined convenience.
Doing the right thing is sometimes easy, convenient and desirable.  Doing the right thing is often difficult, stressful, combative and inconvenient.
A habit of doing the right thing, routines, create a structure around which doing the right thing is enabled, freed up, lubricated.

An Open Letter To Married Men Who Claim their Wives Won't Have Sex With Them

Dear Mr. I have a Profile on Blankety-Blank Dating Site Dot Com,


I'm flattered that you've accepted me as a  match but after checking out some of the personality questions we both answered it would seem we are rather unsuited for one another.    I'm very liberal, an unrepentant socialist in fact. And you it would seem are quite conservative.  Ironic isn't it?  Conservative folks are always lobbying, voting complaining about morality, sex and the sanctity of the family and yet here you are trolling a dating site.

I have no idea how the site's algorithm works.  69% hardly seems a match.

You claim that your wife won't have sex you, is no longer interested or something to that effect.  I have to say that I have taken married lovers from time to time. Enough now that I can safely say you all say the same things. Not once have I heard one of you claim that you spoke frankly with your partner about what you needed and how important it is for you.  Not once have I heard a fellow say to me that he asked  his wife what it would take to change things.

 I have never heard of a guy suggesting that they then open their relationship so that he could at least enjoy his own sexuality. Not once has a fellow said to me: "I looked her in the eye and said, "Baby, I love you and I want you to feel safe and not pressure you. Sex is a big deal, big enough that you'd rather not have it, at least with me and big enough that I really do want it. And since I can't have it with you, I want to be honest and let you know that I will be having sex outside our relationship. Let's dialogue about this and see if we can't come to some kind of middle ground."


One thing is for sure I will never allow myself to participate in a sexually dysfunctional relationship ever again.  My fiance and I have an open relationship and we do not hide anything from one another.

I have known so many men who claim that their wive's are no longer interested in sex and I have to ask "why?"  I can tell you why I wasn't interested in sex with my ex even though we had sex every (and I do mean every night.) He did not even try to please me and was very judgmental, shaming, insecure and abusive.  

I'm not trying to take your inventory. I'm just letting you know that I am untypically honest and up front about sex and sexuality. After 45 years on this earth, a lot of exploring, soul searching and healing I am no longer willing to merely "put up".  I  understand why men approach me.  I am up front about sex and make no bones about enjoying casual sex. ( This does not mean  that I'm dtf with any one who asks.)

What I do not understand is why couples choose not to  talk about sex. Why people do not discuss how vital sex is to the success of a relationship.  Certainly a couple could decide they are no longer interested or sexually attracted in one another. But then what are the chances of both parties being asexual? Sex is as important to a healthy life as is eating, exercise and philosophy. It's so liberating to be honest with myself and my partner about what I am doing and who I am talking to.  I know why people don't talk to their partners about their sexual needs, it stems from fear and lack of trust.  Having been with someone I feared and did not trust for far too long, now that I have tasted freedom, I will never live in bondage and lies again.

My question for the fellows who claim their partners aren't having sex with them is this: why are you still in a relationship with this person? and if you still love this person but desire sex, why can't you dialogue with your partner for a solution? and if the answer is fear or lack of trust then why on earth are you with someone you fear and/or don't trust? Isn't that anathema to marriage/partnership even friendship?

I wish you much luck and success in your search for sexual connection.  But as for you and me, my conservative and hypocritical friend - I am not down to fuck.

Sincerely,

Rebellion Dogs