On right action

Good habits are interrupted when I allow others to disrespect my boundaries or when I disrespect my own boundaries out of willful desire and imagined convenience.
Doing the right thing is sometimes easy, convenient and desirable.  Doing the right thing is often difficult, stressful, combative and inconvenient.
A habit of doing the right thing, routines, create a structure around which doing the right thing is enabled, freed up, lubricated.

An Open Letter To Married Men Who Claim their Wives Won't Have Sex With Them

Dear Mr. I have a Profile on Blankety-Blank Dating Site Dot Com,


I'm flattered that you've accepted me as a  match but after checking out some of the personality questions we both answered it would seem we are rather unsuited for one another.    I'm very liberal, an unrepentant socialist in fact. And you it would seem are quite conservative.  Ironic isn't it?  Conservative folks are always lobbying, voting complaining about morality, sex and the sanctity of the family and yet here you are trolling a dating site.

I have no idea how the site's algorithm works.  69% hardly seems a match.

You claim that your wife won't have sex you, is no longer interested or something to that effect.  I have to say that I have taken married lovers from time to time. Enough now that I can safely say you all say the same things. Not once have I heard one of you claim that you spoke frankly with your partner about what you needed and how important it is for you.  Not once have I heard a fellow say to me that he asked  his wife what it would take to change things.

 I have never heard of a guy suggesting that they then open their relationship so that he could at least enjoy his own sexuality. Not once has a fellow said to me: "I looked her in the eye and said, "Baby, I love you and I want you to feel safe and not pressure you. Sex is a big deal, big enough that you'd rather not have it, at least with me and big enough that I really do want it. And since I can't have it with you, I want to be honest and let you know that I will be having sex outside our relationship. Let's dialogue about this and see if we can't come to some kind of middle ground."


One thing is for sure I will never allow myself to participate in a sexually dysfunctional relationship ever again.  My fiance and I have an open relationship and we do not hide anything from one another.

I have known so many men who claim that their wive's are no longer interested in sex and I have to ask "why?"  I can tell you why I wasn't interested in sex with my ex even though we had sex every (and I do mean every night.) He did not even try to please me and was very judgmental, shaming, insecure and abusive.  

I'm not trying to take your inventory. I'm just letting you know that I am untypically honest and up front about sex and sexuality. After 45 years on this earth, a lot of exploring, soul searching and healing I am no longer willing to merely "put up".  I  understand why men approach me.  I am up front about sex and make no bones about enjoying casual sex. ( This does not mean  that I'm dtf with any one who asks.)

What I do not understand is why couples choose not to  talk about sex. Why people do not discuss how vital sex is to the success of a relationship.  Certainly a couple could decide they are no longer interested or sexually attracted in one another. But then what are the chances of both parties being asexual? Sex is as important to a healthy life as is eating, exercise and philosophy. It's so liberating to be honest with myself and my partner about what I am doing and who I am talking to.  I know why people don't talk to their partners about their sexual needs, it stems from fear and lack of trust.  Having been with someone I feared and did not trust for far too long, now that I have tasted freedom, I will never live in bondage and lies again.

My question for the fellows who claim their partners aren't having sex with them is this: why are you still in a relationship with this person? and if you still love this person but desire sex, why can't you dialogue with your partner for a solution? and if the answer is fear or lack of trust then why on earth are you with someone you fear and/or don't trust? Isn't that anathema to marriage/partnership even friendship?

I wish you much luck and success in your search for sexual connection.  But as for you and me, my conservative and hypocritical friend - I am not down to fuck.

Sincerely,

Rebellion Dogs

The definition of cruelty: offering a childcare subsidy so parents can afford to go to work.  Then place applicants  on a 6 month waiting list. Thanks for giving me some hope that I might actually get to a catching up place and then throwing that pipe dream over a cliff.

I want to work. I can work. I started my own business and even got a job with an organization I respect and have passion for. But I can't afford childcare. Boot straps? I've been making my own damn bootstraps. But they keep unraveling. I'm frustrated and I'm angry. I vote. I participate in the economy and our so called democracy. I abide by our laws and pay my taxes. I am told by privileged pundits that I am some how responsible for this situation . WTF? These are Atwood's, Orwell's and Kafka's nightmares only I'm living it. And it's taking a great deal of meditation and compassion to not go all Dostoyevski on some one.

One of the battle cries of the conservative movement is that lefties are destroying the family and old fashioned morality when what you've described is the sort of small town, or village like atmosphere that's been destroyed by corporate greed. The idea that wealth equals stuff and so we move for the work, lose our roots and ties to family. Ironically, the very pundits that fault lefty queer commies like me for destroying the sanctity of marriage and the family are the very ones who rely on that destruction to sustain their disproportionate wealth. We are corporate-centered, not human-centered anymore. It's really bad. And getting worse, not better.  We don't live in in towns and cities any more with names like Pittsburgh or Massapequa or Passamoquody. We live in virtual cities called Highmark, UPMC, Hewlett Packard, Exxon, Beatrice, Monsanto....etc.  Let's not forget PNC, Bank of NY, Citigroup, .....a conspiracy theorist might conclude that this frustration is to beat folk in my position into taking a minimum wage job in one of these towns. Just eat the soilent green, drink the koolaid and all my troubles will be resolved. See? That wasn't so bad. except now I owe my soul to the company store.

You could call me a Socialist I won't deny it.

I"m anti war, anti monopoly, I believe there is enough to go around and that abundance is by definition not a pie where everyone has to take a smaller slice so more can be served. I think folks should be able to marry whom they love and wish to publicly declare as their family, I believe that spirituality or religion is very important but has no place in government; that said, morality does. I don't like to see the Ten Commandments posted in courthouses and I believe if one really wants to they should be able to burn the flag. I believe in a woman's right to choose, not because I don't love children but because I KNOW women will choose to have abortions whether they are legal or not and it behooves us as members of an "enlightened" society to allow for a safer alternative. I believe the real issue regarding abortion in this country is about the fact that our puritan background still has a huge hold on our culture. Everyone is having sex but most people are whistling in the dark.That said, I believe monogamy is unrealistic given that we live much longer than we did even 50 years ago. I do not believe Jesus died for my sins but if you do that's awesome. I believe in religion as allegory and not literal truth. I believe in diversity, not just in the color of our collective skins but in our collective thoughts. I believe the cause of all evil is pure unmitigated FEAR. I believe that each of us is part of a divine whole and that we are here to learn how to come together and reunite with Divinity. I believe it is immoral to live in a palace when others have no homes. I'm not asking you to move out of your mcmansion, I'm certain you earned it, but who needs a 20 car garage? I believe it's immoral to charge and or to pay a car payment that is bigger than a mortgage payment. Really do you *need* an Pick up truck made by Cadillac? Now I'm not saying, if you have earned the money and can afford to pay for luxury that you shouldn't. By all means enjoy the fruits of your labor. That is if the fruits of your labor really *are* the fruits of your labor. If your monetary wealth is made off the back of someone else then the least we can do as a nation that provides us the opportunity to earn unlimited wealth is to provide for the least among us to have a minimum standard of living.