I have been suffering from depression for my entire life, (48.7 years) or at least since I was about 4. I think that's when I had my first thoughts about doubting my own sanity.
I have tried many different approaches to elevating my mood, many if not all of which are commonly practiced by average people today. At least that's what I think. Although lately I have come to believe that I can't trust what I think anymore. Even that which I see and hear through my own senses is suspect to me now.
Here are some of the things I have tried over the years, knowingly or unknowingly: smoking pot and binge drinking, acting out sexually, emotional eating, sleeping, isolating, (ironically these activities are not only attempts to manage my moods but symptoms of my illness as well.) Somewhat healthier seeming activities I have tried like exercise and meditation work beautifully but are not truly sustainable as my disease overcomes these treatments usually when some difficulty or challenge arises in my life, and such is the nature of life, right?
So in recent years (about 20 of them I think) I have come to accept two things, 1. that I can no longer use substances or self destructive behaviors to manage my moods as practical evidence shows that while I may experience temporary relief, eventually I succumb to depressive thoughts and behaviors. And 2. I require medication to support and help sustain any cognitive or behavior techniques I use to alleviate my mental illness.
I'm not saying that other people can or cannot achieve positive results using the methods that have either failed or are unsustainable without the use of antidepressants. I am stating that in my experience for me, I need pharmaceutical assistance. At least right now.
I have a fervent hope that one day I will magically become my own health guru, where through my own practice and dedication I eat the perfect diet in which no other living beings are harmed or exploited, practice yoga and some fabulous outdoor exercise like mountain climbing or competition weight lifting. In this fantasy world I also live in a tropical climate in a cozy little cottage with my partner and a dog and a cat (maybe more cats) and I recycle everything and have absolutely zero impact on the environment all while making a comfortable living somehow (magic I guess.)
So we know, intrinsically that the above is a FANTASY, right?
to be continued...
